I’ve been making my way through a stack of books about adoption issues, attachment, and other recommended resources I’ve heard about over the past year.
One book called Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child is full of hands-on, practical advice that I already forget– and I just read half of it. Oh, my poor brain… how is it going to ever parent?… it’s half gone already!! Anyway, I ordered it for future reference as needed.
Another book looked promising, but I didn’t care for it… something about ten things every adopted child wants a parent to know. Great title, but not a great read, and nothing I didn’t know before.
A third one seemed like something I should read in a few years and has nothing specifically to do with adoption, but I decided to skim it because it came so highly recommended. I got hooked. Maybe because back in my graduate school days I studied and loved the field of developmental psychology so much.
It’s called Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Should Matter More Than Peers, and I think every parent should read it.
There are two authors: a psychologist specializing in child development and family therapy, and a medical doctor. Their views fly in the face of many parenting books that focus on behavioral changes and skill-building. They believe that the health and well-being of a child is directly related to remaining attached to his or her parents, and other important adults.
They authors say that with the rise of the “youth culture” — which is only about 50 years old — most of us have grown accustomed to assuming that children are better off spending lots of time with their peers. Wrong, according to these guys. Where a child’s primary attachment is, there will he or she follow. Our current “peer-oriented” culture makes it easier for children to shift their primary attachments to peers early on, and remain there, with parents losing authority and influence over their children.The authors point out that it is attachment that facilitates a child’s identity development, values, and sense of self. And if that attachment is peer-oriented, parents lose much of their ability to parent and children take on the culture of their peers.
Not that kids shouldn’t have friends, the authors say, but adults should be their primary attachments until maturity. The entire last section of the book is dedicated to how to keep — or regain — this primary attachment with your kids.
I don’t agree with every point the authors make, but I have to admit that I’ve seen their theory in action and it seems to be true. Some of it is counter-intuitive — we’re bombarded with the message that kids need lots of time with friends and peers and we think they’ll be hampered without all that socialization. But when I think of the most adjusted, emotionally healthy, well-rounded, mature kids I know, all of them were raised by people who intuitively parented according to the ideas in this book.
I’m not doing it justice, but I’d love to hear your thoughts if you do pick it up.
I just discovered your blog, and wanted to take a minute to post. I adopted my son domestically 5 months ago, and was blessed to bring him home right out of the hospital at 3 days old.
Prior to that, I had many heartbreaks and disappointments…. but that can be a story for another time.
I love the theory behind the book you discussed and will be looking into buying it. I adopted as a single mom, and even though my son is only 5 months old and is very attached to me, I do worry about the future – I want him close by and close to me forever. I was raised by loving, hands on parents who spent (and still spend) tons of time with me.
I wish you the best of luck as you wait for your referrals – what an exciting time!!!
Take Care.
Funny you should mention this book because I just read it a couple of months ago. Like you, I agree with with main theory and it gave me a lot to think about, but I thought it lacked a bit of direction when it came to implementation. In the interest of full disclosure, I do use time-outs and will continue to use them. I’m not fully convinced certain particular methods of discipline are necessarily harmful if you do take the time “gather” your child afterwards and generally have a strong attachment with them.
I guess the book made me more aware of the importance of parental attachment and certain warning signs are now on my radar.
I agree w/ you Zoe: that book is spot on. It’s a great book and worth reading for any parent at all. Read the Connected Child by Purvis if you haven’t too, it’s also one of the very best. But Hold on to your kids….some excellent points in that and a perspective that is not thought about as often, but should be.
I’ve read the Hold on to your Kids book as well as Parenting Your Intern’l Child (which I also broke down and bought because it seems like it will come in handy down the road). I love both of them. The Hold on to your Kids book should not be confused with “holding therapy” (I was confused at first) which is much more extreme and kinda wacky if you ask me. I see problems parents have with their kids in the neighborhood and other families and I feel like I this book would have solved some of their issues. Now, like you, I hope I can retain all that I have been reading over the last 6 months!
My copy of “Hold Onto Your Kids” just arrived yesterday, after (I think) finding it somewhat randomly online – very much looking forward to reading it!
Sounds like a book I’ll need to check out!
Oh, yes, this is one of the best. Not just for adoptive parents, but for all parents. And I do think brand new parents can read it and benefit (and then read it again as the kids get older). I’ve read a lot of parenting books (and attachment books) and this definitely is a top top top choice. I recommend it to every parent or parent-to-be who won’t be offended by the fact that I feel a need to recommend a book to him/her. Even made the husband read a fair amount of this one!
Megan
Great book! I’m glad you found it. I think any parent or educator, or anyone with lots of contact with kids, would get a lot out of this book. I did! So now I look forward to your other book recommendation, Parenting your Intl’ Adopted Child.
Thanks for your post – I always love reading your blog!
Hi Zoe! I’m glad that you found/liked this book! I read it a year or so ago and had the same reaction. I don’t remember details (pro or con time outs, etc.) but agreed with the general premise that our culture is not designed to nuture family cohesion and that all of the emphasis on “socialization” and “independence” is overrated, especially when they come so often at the cost of nearly all family time. This is true both while our kids are kids and beyond, when so many people define success as leaving their family behind. (NOT that relocation is inherently wrong, but (IMHO) it should ideally occur for reasons other than establishing distance for the sake of distance.)
I love the idea of starting each day in each other’s arms and try to do that. It is a happy pleasure for me (Slow time) and, according to the book, good for the girls too.
In general, the book articulated things that I’d felt but never put into words – that to prioritize that which really has value to me means rejecting many of the things taken for granted in our contemporary society. That articulated knowledge is helpful, because it puts into context some of the daily stress that goes along with NOT signing up for preschool at age two, deciding to homeschool, walking places instead of driving, and so much more….
Thanks for your synopsis; very useful! Love, T
Zoe, I’ve never read the book, but what you have said about the book totally coincides with the way we have parented our children. We took it a step farther, and are holding onto our kids by homeschooling as well. But even if you choose to send your children to school, there are ways to hold them close. And really, do you want your children to be socialized by other children? Or by you? (think Lord of the Flies…)
Last night we had a graduation party for my oldest daughter, and the range of people who attended spoke volumes about how a well-socialized young adult can interact with all sorts of people. I am not sure that a child socialized primarily by his or her peers can have that broad a spectrum of friends.
Keep your children close. They don’t need to be in every activity under the sun. Preschool is HIGHLY overrated (read studies about the stress levels of children in preschool). Kids DO need their mommy and daddy involved in their lives, as much as possible. Don’t buy into the “quality time” lie. Kids need quantity time. NOTHING is more important than being with them.
Off my soapbox now
. Can’t wait to hear of your referral…
Hey Zoe,
More kudos for the concept of parental attachment over “other kids”. Our kids are too young to place any credence on my opinion, but I’m encouraged by the comment from the Mom who recently had the graduation party.
As a homeschooler we often come against the “socialization” issue which I simply ignore — who wants their children socialized by other 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 year olds for heaven’s sake?? Give me a break.
Another great resource for the concept of emphasizing parental attachment and parental “socialization” is the Moore Foundation. Titles like, “Better Late than Early”, “School Can Wait” and “Home Grown Kids”, to name a few. Moore Formula, may be their site in order to not confuse it with Gordon Moore or some other Moore dealy bob.
BTW, you’ll be a great Mom — don’t stress out with too many books!
Hi Zoe – Thanks for the recommendation -I’m headed to Amazon now!
Patty’s comment about quality time reminded me of a homeschooling Dad I met recently when camping. He said, “for kids, love is a four-letter word and it is spelled, T-I-M-E.” Well put, I thought!
I also highly recommend this book. It is completely spot on and yes, in many ways counter cultural and revolutionary.